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Salvation

by Tim Loud

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1.
I’m tired of singing songs about what I hate, Tired of all those might have beens. I’m tired of watching my friends leaving me, and I’m tired of waking up again. Every day I want to smoke, but it’s bad for my health. Every day I want to drink, it just makes me sick again. Wish I had more drugs than I do to take today. ‘Cos I’m tired of using my brain. ‘Cos I’m a sucker for the blues, and I’m in love with my unhappiness. I say I’m born to lose and I don’t know what I am. But I know I got this far, and I know that times get hard. And maybe that’s a start. “There’s a hole in daddy’s arm where all the money goes. And Jesus Christ died for nothing, I suppose.” That’s the kind of line I like, I don’t know why, I just do. I’m beat down, but I’ll see her through. ‘Cos I’m a sucker for the blues… I’ve had my share of good times, and the bad ones too. Tried my best to keep up with the pace. Somebody always moves the tape every time I think I’ve reached the finish line. And I’m tired of running their race.
2.
What Am I? 04:00
I’m a terrible liar, and I’m the first to give up. Am I a hopeless romantic, or a useless bang of junk? I mean every word that I say, though I don’t know for how long. I’m so capricious and uncertain, it’s hard to hold your mind when you’re always on the run. A collection of experiences that I can’t recall. A never ending movie shot through a filter of depression and cheap alcohol. If my mind were a book of adventure and pain, well the pages have been torn out. Some got lost and some re-ordered, now I haven’t got a f*cking clue what it’s all about. What am I? What the f*ck am I doing here? When you’re always on the run, how can anybody get near? What am I? What the f*ck am I doing here? This is the question that plays over in the base of my skull and it’s all I’ll ever hear. I know I’m hard to love, but I fall in love so easily. And it’s hard to explain when your heart wants to burst out and roll down your sleeve. Now I sit here in silence, and I’ve got nothing to do. There is no hope, there is no future, no escape and yes I believe that much is true What am I?... Existence is futile, and this life is a joke. I built a thing that resembles one, from mirrors and from smoke. And maybe that’s the problem, the key to my happiness. Maybe if I did something of substance I could get out of this mess. What am I?...
3.
If I had a penny for every instance of unrequited love. I’d have money to buy some whisky and cheer myself up. You can’t love me for my style and you can’t love me for my face. There’s no gleam in my eye, there’s no smile on my face. Because I’m ugly and I’m lowdown, that’s the way it goes Maybe if I had a personality I could talk to them I could spark some chemistry. But I couldn’t start a fire with a can of gasoline. It’s the way I’ll always be. It’s the way I’ve always been. I’ve met gypsy girls, nurse, soldiers and all. I’ve met freedom fighters with their backs against the wall. And I’ve met witches, rags to riches they would not let me in. Because I’m nothing and I’m no one they can’t stand the sight of me. I look in that mirror and I see what they see. Because I’m ugly and I’m lowdown and that’s the way it goes. If I had a penny for every instance of unrequited love. I’d buy morphine, I’d buy cocaine and shoot that shit up. Because a speedball’s just the thing I need to take away the pain. To soothe my aching heart, and silence my screeching brain. I’m ugly and I’m lowdown and that’s the way it. Ugly and I’m lowdown and that’s the way it. Ugly and I’m lowdown and that’s the way it goes.
4.
There There 03:22
I’ve sailed on the seas of uncertainty for so long now. Even the brightest of stars couldn’t light my way back to the land. I’ve travelled winding roads of diverging possibility. I wouldn’t know my way back to the start and I wouldn’t go there if I did. For I know that all things here are fleeting, experience is just temporary. I know in my mind I am happy and free, for I am the ruler of my destiny. But it’s tick-tick-tick-tick time that we fear. As the bells toll draws near, who will remember you? Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody will remember you. I gave up on possessions so long ago. They don’t reflect who I am, I’m not an object, no, I am a man. And I gave up on love for protection, nobody need get close, you see. I’m an island and I’m solitary, these horrors of love well they cannot touch me. For I know that all things here are fleeting…
5.
Salvation 04:31
I pinned my hopes on flesh and blood. And had my name dragged through the mud. All in the name of fitting in. I laid foundations of lies and hate. Made disillusion my bricks and slate. Now I don’t like where I live. And I wasted so much time being what I was meant to be. I almost lost sight of what it meant to be me. I wasted all of this, lost so much love and tenderness. But now I know who I am. I lined my pockets with shit and piss. Now all I have to show for it is this. I won’t play their game anymore. I gave my mind some space to breath. And wore my heart out on my sleeve. Now I don’t have to live like those people anymore. I live my life from day-to-day. And those who love me stuck with me anyway. Now I can claim I am free. And I wasted so much time being what I was meant to be… I found salvation in emptiness. And satisfaction, no more, no less. I have no words left to say, I’ll just scream. LAA-LA-LA-LAAAAA… I pinned my hopes on flesh and blood. And had my name dragged through the mud. All in the name of fitting in.
6.
Grief Whores 04:36
We worked so hard for a life that we wanted, now we got it, we’re all depressed. Because the stories we’ve lived are not worthy of memoires and it seems we’ve forgotten the rest. So we drug ourselves into happiness and we just drink ourselves to sleep. Nobody ever told us this road would be easy, nobody ever said that it would be so steep. And we own so many things, but trinkets will not fill the void. The glitter and the glisten peels away with time, some things you just can’t avoid. So we say we don’t need f*cking anything, just a place to call our home. And we know for a fact we don’t need anyone, except when we’re alone. We just walk around with this weight on our backs, we all know it but we dare not speak its name. We will cry and we will swear ‘til we are blue in the face, it’s society not substances to blame. And when finally it happens, one of ours loses the fight. Out come the grief whores, solicit in that pale stage light. Turning tricks under the guise of lamentations, when really they’re just looking for fame. They will travel this world and they will tell of their sadness, ‘til that memory’s just a song and not a name. We worked so hard for a life that we wanted, now we got it, we’re all depressed. Because the stories we’ve lived are not worthy of memoires and we’ll surely forget the rest.
7.
Great River 04:16
Old, great river running through, you have a path, I once did too. But now, I am lost. Old, great river running through, picked up the dirt from your past now what was warm and blue, is cold and grey. I know everything changes from day to day. I’ve seen everything I love in my life washed away. Old, great river running through, giver of life, death-bringer too. You know not what you’ve done. Old, great river running through, from the highest heights, down on your route. To the depths of hell. I know everything changes from day to day. I’ve seen everything I love in my life washed away. Old, great river running through, you have a path, I once did too. but now, I am lost.
8.
Sutures 03:51
Gave my heart to many people in my life, they kept a part of it when they left. So I had to work out how to stitch it back up to keep the blood flowing to my head. Alcohol helps but it thins the blood and then it seeps out through the sutures. Drugs numb the pain for a couple of days but you always have to increase the dosage. Most terrible heartache that I’ve ever had I was in love with this girl. She got cold feet and she found another man and it shattered my world. I was left with nothing but my thoughts in a basement flat on my own. Couldn’t work out which of my friends were friends so I hit the f*cking road. I like these people and the buzz of this city and I’ve been talking to these clever, funny girls but I don’t really think they like me in that way. So, I’ll just keep moving and I’ll try to forget that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I haven’t found them yet. The music and the moving helped a little, I guess, to take my mind off of things. Few little flings and one night stands really helped to soothe the sting. But as the world gets smaller it just gets harder to get lost, and so I find. No matter where I am or who I’m with she is always on my mind. Met a kindred spirit who was sick of the world and I loved her from the start. Though we tried our best to help each other out, we tore ourselves apart. So we made a really tough decision that we should go our separate ways. No matter how I try to just move on, I still think of her as well every day. I like these people and the buzz of this city… So I wake up feeling groggy in the communist high-rise of some East German town. Stare out the window at the passing cars as the rain comes down. And as I wonder where they are it hits, do they ever think of me. Is every fuck and fight, every hug and kiss, still burned into their memory? There’s an adage that goes you’ve got to love yourself before someone can do the same. But I don’t really see any redeeming features, so I guess that I’m to blame. For this loneliness and this lovelessness that sits hollow in my chest. Go on searching for something to fill it, North to South and East to West. I like these people and the buzz of this city… Looking for someone to love and I haven’t found them yet.
9.
10.
Hate 03:01
A shining beacon of democracy, a poster-child for hypocrisy. You were born in this place and you’ll die that way. Land of the caged, home of deceit. Feel the pressure pushing down as you’re trampled under freedoms feet. Hate! Is a four letter word, I’ll tell you some more, sure there’s some you’ve heard. Envy, fear, hurt, pain the players are changing but the game’s the same and will remain. Stacked against the weak while the rich c*nts suckle at the queen bitches teat. It stays in favour of the system, for they are the victors and you are the victim. Anger blossoms from the smallest seed. In the bed of lies that watch and read. There is no freedom in the words you repeat. But it’s what you’re told so it’s what you believe. Hate is a four letter word, tell you some more, sure there’s some you’ve heard… Watch the rich, they get their fill. They f*ck the poor, they f*ck the ill. Watch the rich, they get their fill. They f*ck the poor, they f*ck the ill. Eat the apple, save the core, some of us hate each other more. A nation of millions turned in on itself, taught to demonise those without wealth. While those who do get to call the shots, keeping those at the bottom from reaching the top. Those at the bottom from reaching. Those at the bottom from reaching the top. Hate is a four letter word, tell you some more, sure there’s some you’ve heard… Watch the rich, they get their fill… Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
11.
Debate 03:25
Spit! push it down on me. With these “opinions” they seem so fake. Regurgitating words does not intelligence make. Real world application is the only way. I bring a counterpoint and you just hit the roof. You talk of dialectics and empirical proof. Your anger when confronted shows a weakness of faith. Your anger when confronted shows a weakness of faith. You resort to violence and you prove my point again. Laugh! And shake your head to say. I’m so dumb with my inferior brain. Then reel off all the theories that you’ve read and retained. But realise that I’ve won when I turn around and say. The only way to win a debate. The only way to win a debate-AAH! The only way to win a debate. The only way to win a debate. Is by kicking everybody in the god damn face.

credits

released September 28, 2018

Recorded, engineered, edited and mixed by Kurt Wood at Jam on Top Studios and Tone Henge Studios, Keighley in January 2018.
Violin and Viola on tracks 4, 7, & 9 recorded and edited by Luke Yates.
Additional MIDI strings on tracks 4, 7 & 9 by Aled Jenkins.
Mastered by Aled Jenkins.

All songs written and performed by Tim Loud and…
Joe Dimuantes - Drums on tracks 4, 7, 10 & 11.
Richard ‘Howlin Ric’ Colley - Drums on tracks 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8 & 9.
Ben Pike - Pedal Steel on tracks 1, 3 & 5.
Luke Yates – Violin and Viola on tracks 4, 7 & 9.

All tracks © Tim Loud, 2018. Licensed to TNS records
Front cover artwork by www.wolfmaskart.co.uk
Photography by Matt Baxter
Artwork design by Andy Davies

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Tim Loud Warrington, UK

With range, character and depth to his vocals and a passionate and varied playing style, Tim tackles an array of genres and influences in his music, while his lyrics take on a wide selection of topics from the personal to the political, always conveyed with a hint of irony and a heavy dose of cynicism. ... more

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